Create the future 4 - Learn the magical art of gifting well

Hello lovers & givers!

When was the last time you gave someone a present? 🎁

Good morning lovelies! 🌿 How are you feeling today? I hope you are are happy, healthy, and safe. If you haven’t done it yet, give yourself a long, loving, cuddly hug - you are amazing, so take your time, and tell every single of your cells this morning how proud you are of sharing this ride called life with them! 🤗 Also: Thank you for your lovely feedback on the last article “Why we need lazy, and not ambitious people to save the world” - it seems, it struck a chord with many of you. 💖

Today’s topic: Gifts. Who doesn’t love them?
There are many occasions to surprise your loved ones with nice presents: for birthdays and anniversaries, to say sorry, for moving into a new home, to make someone feel special, to keep in touch, to congratulate someone on a promotion, for standing on the doggy’s tail (so sorry, Rexy!), or to impress someone … the list of reasons and intentions is long, culturally diverse and therefore rather complex.

For instance, in Russia, it is considered evil to gift flowers bundled in even numbers, in Ghana, gifts have to be presented with only the right hand, and in China, inappropriate gifts include knives, scissors, or letter openers as they represent the severance of a relationship, clocks (in many Chinese dialects, the phrase “give clock” sounds the same as “see off into death”), and items packaged in sets of four - unless it is a set of two pairs. 🤷‍♀️ In India, it is the act of gifting that counts. I cringe laughingly as I recall a couple of obviously re-gifted sets of ugly dinner plates and silver bowls which we received as wedding presents from some of our not so imaginative friends . Oh well! As they say, never look a gift horse in the mouth!

A well-chosen gift is a symbol of genuine care and concern. It shows that we listen, and proves that giving was, is and always will be alway way cooler than taking. #yeahyeahyeah 🌿✊🌺

So why do we humans gift to begin with?
Giving gifts has always served as a symbolic function: Cementing relationships, celebrating successes and life transitions, or simply influencing a situation through a charming bribe - gifting has been en vogue since the beginning of mankind. Scientists believe that gifting helped us in our evolution, too. It seems that the more generous men were in ancient tribal societies, the more ‘reproductive success’ they had with the ladies… a phenomena that might be true until this day and age. 😉

In the early times of mankind, the status of a family in a clan or village however was not dictated by who had the most possessions, but instead by who gave away the most. The more lavish or bankrupting the act of giving, the more prestige was to be gained. Isn’t this amazing? 🤩 Fast-forward, and we land in the irony of history: Nowadays, where most of us have too much stuff and could easily give away most of it, our status is determined by what we hoard and are able to display, not what we give. Don’t you agree that it is time to change it back to the way it was?

Good gift-giving is the highest form of empathy. It is self-less.
Most gift guides explain that what you gift says a lot about who you are, that it is an extension of your personality, your taste, your class, your style. While this is somewhat true, it is not at all what truly matters - but the the exact opposite does. Good gifting is 100% about the other person! That turns good gift-giving into quite a tough job: It takes effort, time, communication, and a dedication to getting to know the other person and their little oddities. And yet, all those things are worth doing for the people you truly care about in your life. 💖

Why do we need to practise self-less giving?
In today’s world, where even a kind word is considered to be the start of a negotiation, or is misinterpreted under the burdening pressure of reciprocity, we have to unwire our brains to not think transactionally - and we can start with small, thoughtful presents, without occasion, for the people that we love. The funny thing: It doesn’t cost an arm and a leg! On our journey up the slopes of the pyramid of (Maslow’s hierarchy of needs), so many of us are almost all the way to the top. In order to reach the peak and self actualise, part of that process is to practise self-less giving that comes from a full heart, fuelled by pure intentions, without any expectation, acknowledgment, or recognition in return*.

Let’s first understand what makes us so bad at giving gifts.
This 4 minute long video by “The Atlantic” senior editor Derek Thompson sheds some light into the dark ocean of unwanted, neglected and distasteful presents, and how to choose better ones yourself.

Four rules for becoming a more thoughtful ‘gift-giver’!
The special people in our life truly deserve thoughtfully curated presents. I personally consider gifting an empathetic art form that requires research, planning and ideating in order to make the desired impact. And yet, gift-giving is something that should not be a chore, but must come from the heart. Therefore, a well-chosen present surprises, bonds and shows how much you love and understand your near and dear ones! In order to help you to transform into the best gift-giver out there, here are four simple, yet super-effective rules.

Rule #1: The best gift is what the persons actually wants.
It is rather simple: Ask the person, more or less directly, what kind of gift they want. This surely doesn’t work well for surprises, but does wonders for birthdays, anniversaries, and all other set occasions. No disappointments, no tears, and no resentment - just happy people all around. 🎁

Rule #2: The best gifts have a story.
Spending more money does not always guarantee a well-received gift. It seems, the best ones have a meaning that surpasses their material worth, and excel in their emotional value. So start paying close attention, listen to your friends and family throughout the year, and take notes on potential gift ideas. Your dad says he always wanted to drive a vintage car? Rent one for a day, and surprise him with it on an ordinary Sunday - just like that! Your sister wants to adopt a puppy, but her job timings don’t allow it? Spend a day with her in an animal shelter. Your girlfriend dreams of being Beyonce? Well, you better save all the money that you can, and fly her to the next concert! In the meantime, invite her girlfriends for a Beyonce-theme party, decorate the house, buy lots of prosecco, create a Queen B-playlist - and then - for your own safety - leave the house. She will love you for it!

Rule #3: The older the recipient, the more it is the thought that counts.
If you want to surprise your parents, uncles, or significantly older siblings, be assured that most of them already have the common gifting go-to’s: belts and bags, homeware and cushion covers, saris and ties… you name it. Science proves that the older people get, the less they desire material things. They prefer an emotional thought behind the gift instead!

So when my father-in-law turned 70, we decided to not gift him one particular big present (he always says that he has all that he needs anyway), but to surprise him with 70 small and simple surprise presents that play a role in his life, and thus (back to rule #3) have a story that matters in his personal context. The clue: Each of the gift-wrapped items had a small poem on the outside that I wrote, so my father-in-law had to guess based on the poem what the present was. And you can imagine, with 70 presents, it took him about 5 hours to unwrap all of these! It was such a pleasant, touching and fun surprise, and all it took was logistics (hiding the incoming Amazon boxes was quite the achievement), creativity, a deep understanding of what he loves and cherishes, and my love for witty rhymes. Here a few examples:

A new knitted cap
A man can live through hardship and thirst, 
But having cold ears is just the worst! 
So keep them warm, with the rest of your head,  
And enjoy the winter, in style - and in bed. 🤗

A pair of socks
At first sight, they seem so mundane and sweet, 
Their only job is to cuddle your feet. 
But they run, they hide, they start a new life,
That’s why you now get a new pair from your wife! 💖

Hair Brush & Coconut Hair Oil 
In Delhi, its hidden under a turban tied strong, 
But when in Goa, do keep your hair open and long!  
Let it fly in the wind, let it breath the red soil,
And untangle it after with your new brush and oil. 

Rule #4: Consider how YOU like to receive gifts.
Gifting can be stressful, but receiving can be just as fraught as well! Thus, it can be very helpful to understand your personal ‘language of love’, and do a reality-check on our own behaviour - read this paper for more details. It is amusingly titles “Why Certain Gifts Are Great to Give but Not to Get: A Framework for Understanding Errors in Gift Giving”. Do you, for instance, only love those money envelopes? Or is it the thought that matters most? What do you expect from a physical gift otherwise? How do you react when someone surprises you with a present that is a sad attempt at understanding your taste and sensibilities? If so, are you communicating enough about what you like and what not? My advice: develop your own receiving strategy - and then become the easiest person to get a gift for. 💖

Trust your intuition.
Often, it is the first idea that comes up when you think about a person and what they might like, which proves to be the perfect present. So don’t overthink it, or worry too much about giving a bad gift, and just go with your gut feeling instead. 🤗 You’ve got this (and if not, check out this amazing New York Times gift guide or this list of books)! Now go practise what you have learned, and make some people happy in these troubled times. We all need those good vibes! Happy gifting!

After-thought: Gifting in times of the “Coronasaince”.
Samson Kambalu, an amazing and well-accomplished conceptional artist, designer and writer from Malawi, one of the poorest countries in the world, shows a different approach to gifting. 💖 In his culture, the bearers of gifts wears a mask to avoid being recognised, which eliminates the requirement of the gift needing to be reciprocated. What an apt idea for this day and age - and for the love we have to share.

I will be back next Tuesday with the fifth edition of ‘Create your Future’. Until then: Stay safe, happy and healthy. You are the best! 💖

With love from Goa,
Isabelle 🌿

*In Yogic philosophy, we call it ‘Seva’: a Sanskrit term that translates literally as “together with”. Seva, selfless giving, is one pathway to attain ‘moksha’, or enlightenment.

P.S.: If you need gifting help or inspiration, feel free to reach out to me.
Recently, I started working on more and more gifting-related projects for clients who are not satisfied with just ordering a present from Amazon, sending money to the bank account, or trying to find another bag / socks / belt / wallet / … that ends up hiding in the cupboard for years. 🙈

Under the name “Present Tense” (more soon on this website 🤗), I offer support in conceptualising, creating and producing personalised birthday books and videos, personalised illustrated stories and poems, and literary gift guides (you tell me your budget and insights about the birthday person, and I research a holistic guide of gifting ideas for you in the discussed price range that you then can go share with all your friends or cousins, and decide who buys what). So let me know if you need any help - you are only one e-mail away from the perfect present. 🎁